SOME CLARIFYING REMARKS
Wow, this post seemed like a good idea at the time, . . .
Unfortunately, I think it’s off target a bit, and I want to clarify what I’m really trying to say here in this preamble.
I’ll leave the original post intact, because it does have some good stuff, but it needs serious qualification and clarification in hindsight, so that’s what I’m doing right now.
First, I am not saying to only flirt with women who want to flirt (the original title of the post).
I need to make a distinction between “flirting” and “gaming”.
You should “flirt” with anyone. That’s partly your way of finding out which girls are game, and which ones aren’t. And it’s also your way of letting women know that you’re game, and fun, and smart, and all that.
Gaming, however is the next step. It’s when you try to draw a particular woman into conversation for the purpose of starting a romantic/sexual relationship with her.
When it comes to gaming, it’s often best to notice which women are game, and which aren’t. If there are attractive women giving out signals that they’re game, pay attention! They’re trying to make it easy for you. And if there are attractive women giving out signals that they’re not game, then I’m just saying, you might consider saving your energy. Not written in stone, but often a good idea. Focus on the ones who want to play.
And, let me re-iterate that you will not get as many “come play with me” signals if you don’t know how to flirt. That’s a big part of how you draw them out.
ORIGINAL POST FOLLOWS
Sorry, I haven’t written in a while. I’ve got a lot to say, but haven’t had much time to write lately. I’ll try to write more regularly going forward.
Let me start by asking your opinion about an interaction between a man and a woman at a Coffee shop. What do you think of this approach?
Him: So, are you on your way to work?
Him: What do you do?
Him: Oh, you’re a Blaher, . . . so if I needed some blah right now, you’d be the one to hook me up, right?
Him: I like your laugh. I want to make you laugh some more. Hey, listen, I know you’ve got to get to work, but I’m enjoying you. How crazy would it be if you gave me your phone number or email address, and I had a chance to get you to laugh for me some more.
[He pulls out a pen and grabs a napkin, or offers his phone for her to enter her number, or tries to get her to call him right there, or whatever]
Sounds a little cheesy, right?
And notice that this dialogue breaks a lot of the rules that so-called pickup artists will tell you. It breaks some rules I’ve taught as well.
First, it starts with boring topics. “Hi”. “Are you going to work?” If you ask some “experts”, those kinds of questions are to be avoided at all costs.
Second, the frame around the interaction might be questionable. When he offers to make her laugh some more, it’s like he’s a little dancing monkey offering to entertain her, right?
Question: So, what do you think the odds are that the man gets the contact info?
Answer: it all has to do with the woman’s frame of mind. In some situations that approach would actually work like a charm. Let me explain.
Here’s a general principle:
“If she’s ready to play,
don’t overcomplicate things.”
If you’re just starting out, and haven’t built your social intuition much, you might be trying to jump-start your love life by trying to talk to every woman you can. And that’s alright, because you will learn an awful lot very quickly.
But once you’re comfortable in your own skin, and have enough skill to manage a conversation for a few minutes with a new woman, you can relax and start working on your “mind reading” skills.
Then you can have a little more discretion about whom you flirt with.
If you ask me, I’d much rather approach a woman who has indicated that she’d like me to talk with her, than to approach someone who’s busy and try to persuade her that she should talk with me – let alone trying to take a woman who has actually indicated the opposite – that she’s NOT interested in talking – and try to get her interested in having a conversation.
If she’s not giving signals of openness, you need really good game to get into a good conversation, because sometimes she’s not game, and you have to convince her to talk with you.
On the flip side, if she’s already giving signals of openness, before you first talk to her, good game can actually get in the way.
And here’s a news alert . . . the same news alert you might have to hear several times to believe, but it’s very, very, true . . . WOMEN, ESPECIALLY SINGLE WOMEN, AND WOMEN WHO ARE BORED WITH THEIR CURRENT PARTNER,WANT TO FLIRT WITH MEN, AND THEY WANT TO FIND MEN TO HAVE SEX WITH – NOT ALL THE TIME, AND NOT WITH EVERY MAN, BUT OFTEN, AND THEY ARE OPEN TO A WIDE VARIETY OF MEN (I DON’T KNOW WHO YOU ARE SPECIFICALLY, MY READER, BUT THERE ARE PROBABLY MANY WOMEN WHO WOULD LOVE TO FLIRT WITH YOU). WOMEN ARE OFTEN VERY HORNY AND GET VERY DISAPPOINTED WHEN MEN CAN’T READ THEIR SIGNALS, OR WHEN MEN BAIL ON A GOOD CONVERSATION BECAUSE THEY FELT NERVOUS, OR WHATEVER. WOMEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE IT’S NOT THEIR IDEA, BUT THEY ARE OUT THERE SCHEMING FOR WAYS TO GET YOU TO TALK WITH THEM.
So, . . .
What Are The Signals?
First, let’s talk about what signals a woman gives when she is NOT open to talking.
Have you ever been standing at a spot a woman is approaching, and, all of a sudden, she acts like her phone is ringing, she puts it to her ear, and doesn’t even look at you as she brushes by?
That’s her signaling that she’s not in a mood to play.
Don’t take it personally. It’s the same thing you probably consider doing when you see a beggar ahead on the street, and you’re not in a giving mood.
Don’t worry about these situations. It’s human. Sometimes women are in the mood to play, and sometimes they’re not.
I wouldn’t advise you to try to push through her defense in a situation like this. There are so many women out there who want to play, why badger someone who’s not? She could have a hundred reasons for not wanting to play right now. She’s in a hurry, she’s in love with someone else, she doesn’t like the way you look, who knows?
OK, so now that we’ve gotten that out of the way,
what does it look like when
a woman WANTS to flirt?
Have you ever been browsing books at a bookstore, a woman walks by in the aisle on one side of the stacks, and then you see her coming around the other side of the stacks, looking like she’s browsing the books a couple sections down from you?
Guess what? She probably wants you to start a conversation with her.
It’s the same thing you do when you see a woman you want to talk to and you’re feeling shy. You try to position yourself so a conversation will “Just happen”.
If you find her attractive, don’t let her down. If you have a great playfully arrogant line of trigger banter, deliver it with gusto. If not, just say “Hi, what are you looking for over there?”
Now, let’s first ask,
What’s the worst that can happen?
She could get a little stiff, and answer with one word answers and start staring at the books again.
That’s a signal she doesn’t want to play.
You say: “Have a nice day”.
You could plow through, but why not look for someone else giving you positive signals.
And that’s just the worst case scenario. It’s good to have that in mind, so you know your default plan if it happens, and so you know it’s not so bad.
What’s more likely is that, . . .
She’ll Engage You In Conversation
She’ll say something like, “Oh, I don’t know, my sister told me about this book that was about vampires, and it was, . . . blah, blah, blah.
Guess what? You’re in. Just go with it. If the conversation goes well, invite her for an instant coffee date. Or get her contact info.
Try to float mildly sexual topics (ease into it), and see if she goes along with it. If so, she’s probably got a little interest in you sexually.
In general, if things are going well, you want to set certain frames and elicit certain values, but that’s a topic for another day. (Did I mention that that’s the topic of my next book?)
If you’re interested, don’t bail on her without getting contact info, or getting CLEAR signals that she’s not interested. You might bail on a good opportunity.
Here’s A Question You Might Have At This Point
If normal boring conversation topics work when a woman’s interested, do you really need to know how to flirt? What about the book “Flirting Deconstructed”? Is that all swept under the rug now?
Why not just wait until you spot women who wants to talk, and just do normal boring conversation?
Well Trigger-Banter-Style Flirting is still as important as ever. Here are a couple reasons why:
1. You have to flirt some with a woman as you’re getting to know her. You can’t be boring, boring, boring all the time and get away with that – at least not with any interesting woman. And being good at trigger banter will help you guide the frame as you get to know the girl.
2. Unless women know that you’re game, they won’t be as apt to give you signals that they’re game. If you’re good at trigger banter, making other people laugh with some playful arrogance, or warm dominance, or cocky funny humor, or whatever you want to call it, you will find that girls start giving you many more signals of openness. You’ll have a lot more to work with. I promise!
If you haven’t had a chance to pick up my book Flirting Deconstructed, here’s the link. It’s inexpensive and life-changing:
P.S. Feel free to comment on the content of this post. I’d love to know what you think. [Feel free to disagree, too, but respectful comments only, please]